fag bars,fags and fundamental issues.

date two text me in the morning. "please say you are in london tonight?!"
a text from this girl is very rare, i dont think ive seen her in about 3 years. ive known her for about 7/8years, and for those 7/8 years ive fancied her like fuck. she used to be a ditsy pretty little thing from my hometown who i worked with in a shop when i was in school. we have always got along, like flirted to hell, people always used to think we had a "thing" or whatever. she used to be the complete opposite of myself, when i was an angry alternative teen, she was miss hot popular girl. now 8 years later she has finished a fine art degree and is miss alternative. i think i prefer the old ..ummm lets call her tess. yeah i prefer the old tess. but the new tess is still hot, very hot.
so yeah i reply to the text as yes i was in london and for once i didnt have anything to do, so like a fucking shot i text her back and we were set for drinks later that night.
she said she'll text me later in the day to tell me the plans. i get that text about 6ish, "we're just leaving, need to get to wordoor st for 7.10, dont know where it is" this is typical tess, doesnt know one of the most famous streets in london or how to get there. i like this as it reminds me of the old times.
anyway we meet up in leicester sq and it seems like shes brought her little sister, 20 year old "iz". not a problem, ive met her before and shes a good laugh. seems like we are heading somewhere too, "we need to get to a gar bar opposite "o" bar, we are going to be late". right, two thing?! firstly a fucking gay bar? what exactly have you got in plan for us? a gay bar opposite "o" bar would mean a very gay bar just off the gayest street in the whole of the uk. so jesus this really is gunna be a gay bar, full of gays, no suitble gays, full out fags. i can prob deal with this but what exactly was we late for? as we are walking there, tess tells me that we are gunna be "late" for he friend joe/jo, joe/jo was apparently a comedian, performing in the basement of a gay club in soho. i wondered what sort of act this character was gunna perform. jo/joe was probably a big fat lesbian who made jokes about kd lang whilst fisting herself, fine i thought i could laugh along slightly uncomfortably and then get down to the serious business with tess, after she has finished.
so we get closer to the gay bar, and tess starts to say "he's on the door so we will see him", ok so now joe/jo is a man and is a joe not jo.
perhaps he's bent.
we get to the bar. its gay as hell, i say this as it had flowers and gays in it. tess asks one of the barman where this joe is. the fag barman in his shiney sparkly tie replies he's downstairs talking to the manager, he'll be ten minutes" this confirmed it, total fag queer. downstairs sucking off the manager to get a gig in a tranny bar. knew it. gays are predictable
now i had the prospect not of kd lang jokes but of graham norton alike mincing it up, not really what i had in mind, so i quiz the girls on who this joe is as so far all ive found out is he's a man, a comedian and unconfirmed 100% gay, so i ask "so joes gay then?"
"hell no" is the response.
oh. oh throughout my life i thought my judgement had served me well, in fact it had only not served me well when gambling. was tonight a gamble, hell yeah.
right so we wait for him to finish up with the owner of the bar downstairs, it wasnt 10mins, it was quicker, joe must be good at giving head (just because tess said joe wasnt gay dont mean he dont suck off guys for gigs)
so he came upstairs and walked over, i shifty looking indie dressing fella. stupid pointy shoes that didnt match his jeans, a blazer that didnt match his jeans, like an old man blue, that blue colour/material that hasnt been worn since 1985, but in this guys mind that is cool. its not. seriosuly its not, your blazer dont match your jeans and your jeans dont match your shoes, and believe me even if we was to miss out the jeans your shoes dont match the blazer. your hair is shit too. so yeah i noticed all this as he took the 15 or so steps towards us. (a man noticing another mans clothing whilst standing in a gay bar in soho, which is full of gays and flowers aint gay in the slightest by the way)
so he came over tess said something and introduced us,"joe, this is my friend lenardo (thats not my real name)"... "hi" i said "you alright" he said, a fairly normal greeting. yet the look on his face was inquisitive to say the least. like honest if you could put a look on MY face that summed up what i thought was going on at that moment in time then it was like looking into a mirror at joes face when he was looking at me.
he kissed iz on the cheek and then gave an over protective lion like dominant kiss to tess on the lips.
OHH WHAT? RIGHHHHT, the penny dropped. what the fuck? i'll pretend to not see that, just look the other way. it didnt happen. well it did but if anyone catches the look in my face, the game is over. ill put on the "happy face" the "thats cool, im dandy and bubbly" face. my face was on, couldnt let slip that that was a kick in the guts.
why invite me out? like she knows i like her, she once agreed to sleep with me if i helped her stack a wall of fleeces when we was 17, i thought tonight was my lucky night, i was gunna cash in on her promise. right ill get the drinks in.
getting the drinks in. obviously you always get the first drinks in. thats one rule of dating which everyone should stick by, the day it doesnt happen will be a odd day and i cant wait for it as there will surely be a great story behind why it didnt happen. but for tonight was a normal night and i got the first drinks in. i offer this joe a drink. this is good. i know he's prob getting free drinks all night from the bar, so he's prob gunna say no. plus it shows im happy to buy him a drink. it shows to jess that im not phased by him, and it shows him that im not phased by him. as far as im concerned he's just part of the crew, part of the crack.
joe turns and exits the scene as im finishing up at the bar, he says he's got to do the "door".
nice he's gone.
"he doesnt seem like his normal self tonight?" says tess and her sister agree's and spouts some more negative shit about his mood for the night. they put it down to "nerves"
they might have put it down to nerves but i reckon, and this is my trusty judgement here, but i reckon he was put off by myself being there. perhaps the look of "who the fuck are you" he fired me when being introduced was the sure sign giveaway but and now he's the good bit (for me), tess's body language with myself was one of flirting, she was really close and lapping up my "bubbly" jokes.
this was good, well its not fucking perfect considering but things had tumbled from my ideal date but considering i was now in competition with a comedian.how do you compete with a fucking comedian? he does funny, he's gunna her laugh, its what he does right? i do bubbly character "happy" and "jokey", how can i do this? he'll destroy me if i continue this "act", right?
right, well wrong, well kinda. our conversation was flowing, it was good, joe was on the door so he was out the way and i could work on tess. tess and iz were filling me in on this joe bloke, they met on holiday, they got it on there, and tonights the first time they have seen each other since. they definatly wernt together. i was filling tess in on my life, how im single and telling her about "date one". she comes out with a gem, like something just to keep my spirits up, infact no fuck it, it put me back in this game, "im gunna start dating again" sheeerrrrrbang. im back in play.
so the conversation is going well, the flirting is going well. itsgoing well, joe is just 10/15 foot away looking at us having a great time, together. he's not happy.
i decide to make a swipe while he's down, "another round of drinks" i declare to the girls, they offer to pay but seriously there is no way im giving up this opportunity to walk happily on by past joe with a big smile on my face, and prove im being alpha (he started it, i dont usually do competition alpha shit) buy another round and offer him one, show him im not scared of him, "dya want one mate?" i ask as i walk on by him, not actually stopping, im not that taken by his presence. "no, no im alright, thanks" .. ha i had him again, i know he's playing alpha male bollox, so he cant accept a drink from me. it would mean he loses. its his game, im just playing.
so another round flys by whilst he is not near tess or myself. good times.
its comedy time, so we all make our way downstairs, now i dunno what to expect going down to a basement of a gay barf in slutty soho, for i could have known when i got downstairs there might well be loads of gay naked men in leather crotchless pants with handlebar moustaches and all that ymca bondage shit. as we are walking down the stairs joe shouts "ive reserved you a table near the back".
obviously the back is good in a comedy club. i need not write why the back is good, you already know why its good, but shy its better tonight is bacause my main man joe wont be able to fucking pick on me. that would be too obvious however surely? make himself look a right idiot. he didnt know what i could hit him back with either, he's seen me be "funny" and "witty" upstairs so he might be picking on the wrong guy here. picking on me would be too obvious and too much of a risk for alpha joe.
downstairs. it didnt look like a comedy club. well it obviously wasnt a fucking comedy club, it had a stage and seats (yup you have those at a comedy club too) but this place off the stage had a strippers pole. and then all around the room was more stripper poles. now i dont have a massive problem with stripper poles but i do when they are in a gay bar's basement. to think of the crimes and horrors that have happened down there. oh my oh my! i shudder just thinking about it.
right the chairs, a selection of pink little cubes, poofs ironically and then one sleeping long sofa along the back, surely this was reserved for us? well it had a reserved sign on it and a name too. i peered at it to check before i sat "RESERVED FOR HOT FACE" yup this is where we were sitting. alpha joe had reserved a table for his "hot face". is that even cute? dunno. tess didnt seem to buy it. good times. iz did. slight damper on the good times.
so he starts his act, im sitting there, tucked up close to tess. he keeps looking over seeing me. dunno if his stares at me are intentional or if he's just treating me like the rest of the audience. either way he is fucking shit.
i mentioned before his clothes were shit right? well now his act matched his attire.
he was basically a mighty boosh rip off, now considering the boosh isnt funny in the slightest this guy who cant deliver a joke to save his life is really fucking bad.
anyone that likes the boosh is a cunt, that common knowledge. this guy is so much of a cunt that he has decided to be a rip off artist, a counterfeit fielding. he knew he wasnt a boosh but he wanted to feel just maybe, lets say about 10% boosh?? enough boosh to get a bonk. what a cunt.
his jokes were shit and this went on for another 45mins.
my prediction of the evening was to be sitting in a gay bar, uncomfotably laughing at a lesbian telling jokes. well i was in a fucking gay bar, in the basement to be exact and no lesbian but there was a big cunt on stage fisting his own ego asshole.
ive noticed im getting drunk. and if im getting tipsy then the giggling girl next to me is getting drunk for sure. this is a good thing, drunk girls do more. drunk girls sometimes dont say no.
so this is going well. well, its going. aplha joe fielding finishes his gig, which mainly revolved around jokes about david jason, a bloke with a claw and a nut allergy. he's taking that show (he had given it a name, unfortuntaly it wasnt "shit") to edinburgh for 3 weeks. 3weeks of that pony? my oh my, i feel sorry for the usher at where ever he is performing.
he's finished, show over. it was shit. me and tess carry on chatting/flirting blah blah. now he dont like this. oh no. not one bit, he basically blanks us for about half hour, well he could blank me all he wants, i couldnt give a shit, i dont want his shitness in my life.
this is good, i get the girl. woop woop. 8 years ive waited and tonight i might finally get the girl. i get my phone out to text my mate to share the good news, no reception, fag basement and its iron walls had denied me of that little pleasure.
and then alpha joe takes to the stage, please not, not more of his phoney crap, ive won the girl, now can i just take her for more drinks?! please? no, apparently not.
alpha joe announces another act? fucking hell.... not more of this crap.
fine, ill watch him to take to the stage and then we can slide on upstairs, slip into the night in deepest darkest soho.
he takes to the stage and jess gets the attention of alpha joe, she makes a small patting signal with her left hand, as if she wants him to come sit next to her.
why would she want that? i dont get it? why? she has me and i am more than him.
he comes and sits, cunt..
right the option of sliding away is still on, i need to do it now. whilst there is still some frosty air between the two. he's been ignoring her for over half hour now so he's dead in the water. as im about to pick up our drinks and suggest we move upstairs.. the new comedian (if he's anything like the last one, then thats prob not an adequate desciption of his talent.)
would he pick on us if we left? i dunno, hopefully not, sod it, it will be worth it.
"YOU ARE A TRANNY WITH NO GENITALS" this is the overly confident voice booming out of the pa system, its aimed at a waiter who has happened to walk out of the room.. its gets raptous laughter. bollox, what would he think of us leaving??? argh fuck it. im gunna have to grin and bare his shit now.
so ive gone to sit back down again, yet somehow the seating arangement i left my set in is now not the seating arangment ive sat back down in?! i now have iz, tess's sister sitting inbetween me and tess. not ideal.